Happy Valentine’s Day!
In case you’ve forgotten, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Speaking as someone of the female persuasion, I have a very important piece of advice for everyone: DO NOT forget it is Valentine’s Day! That might land you in the doghouse for months!
Valentine’s Day is the best time to show someone that you love them. It can be something really simple that you don’t have to buy from a store. A tender kiss on the nose or forehead sometimes says “I love you best.” Just remember that slobbery kisses aren’t always appreciated. Homemade presents are cherished, too. Except for hairballs. Definitely do not produce a hairball and expect gratitude or excitement.
Another freebie is something you find around the house. If you share your favorite toy, they will get the idea that you like them and want to play. Give your true love a stone and say, “You are my rock.” Better yet, give her a diamond or a beautiful rhinestone collar and wait for the hugs and kisses to follow.
Somewhere, sometime, somebody is going to pop the question on Valentine’s Day. And I don’t mean “What’s for dinner?” If you’re going to get down on one knee to ask for someone’s hand in marriage, ask them if they love cats and dogs, too. That way, you’ll know what kind of person they are. I have found that people who show compassion to animals tend to be pretty awesome when it comes to love, tenderness and forgiveness, too.
Whether you are married or single, in a relationship or not, I bet you can find someone who needs a valentine. Mommies, daddies, children, neighbors, co-workers… You get the idea. Even really grumpy, annoying people could benefit from getting a valentine. Maybe the reason they are so unhappy in the first place is that no one ever showed them any love. You could learn a thing or two from the cats and dogs in your life. That’s what I always say! So if you wiggle your butt, act cute, rub up against them and hand out kisses, someone might…
WAIT! Mom says that someone might get the wrong idea if a person actually did that! You’ll have to figure out what is appropriate for humans to do to get someone’s attention. Apparently, there are some animal behaviors that are misinterpreted in human circles.
I have found that the way into a girl’s heart is through jewelry or flowers. At least that’s what my mom says. (And she told me to tell dad!) It can be almost anything, as long as it’s from the heart. You don’t have to go to the fancy-schmancy store, either. The gas station or the grocery store will have really great flowers. But if you forget to plan ahead, the jewelry stores love clueless guys with credit cards 5 minutes before they lock the doors.
And a reminder to all the pets, you’ll get in trouble if you knock over the flowers, dig in the dirt of a potted plant, chew on the blossoms or swallow shiny jewelry objects.
According to Dad, the way into a guy’s heart is through his stomach. This would appear anatomically incorrect, but I’ll believe him for now. A little candle light, a yummy meal, maybe something exciting for dessert and Dad is one happy fellow. Come to think of it, that would make me happy, too!
Pets don’t really need Valentines, but we won’t complain if you give us a special treat or an extra pet or booty scratch. It’s my job to show my constant affection, and I don’t need a special day to remind me. They call it puppy love!
Until next time,
Zoe missed her deadline, so please enjoy this column from 2013
Things have been really busy around here! Mom has been a little overwhelmed with all the tasks on her “To Do” list. In other words, she’s been running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off!
Wow! What a terrible and inhumane phrase that is! Have you ever noticed how many of those silly colloquial phrases deal with the cruel treatment of animals?
“Don’t let the cat out of the bag!” Who put the cat in the bag in the first place and why was that necessary? And if she was in a bag, why wouldn’t a kind hearted person let her out? No one should subject the kitty to the indignity of being placed in a bag. End of story. And I don’t even like cats!
“Curiosity killed the cat.” All the cats I know are very ingenious, agile and cunning. If they get themselves into trouble, they seem to be able to finagle their way out of harm’s way. So I don’t think curiosity ever killed anything…especially cats!
How about this cat phrase: “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” No there’s not. There are zero ways to skin a cat. Nobody is harming any cats in any way, shape or form. Who comes up with these crazy ideas anyway?!
Here’s another inhumane saying about animals. “Like a fish out of water.” Why would anyone take a fish out of water? They can’t breathe that way, you know. It’s supposed to mean that you feel awkward or out of place. Why don’t people just say that and leave the poor fish alone for heaven’s sake?
There are equally asinine sayings about dogs. “Don’t kick a dog while he’s down.” Don’t you ever, ever, ever, EVER kick a dog. Period. And if you do, I hope everyone you know reports you to the police and your name goes in the newspaper for animal cruelty and you have to pay a huge fine and you hang your head in shame. And then I hope you are never allowed to have a dog again in your lifetime. OK. I’ll get off my high horse about that one.
“In the dog house” is supposed to mean that you did something wrong or you got in trouble. All the dogs I know live in lovely people houses with plenty of food and water, soft beds and humans who love them and take care of them. When you say “It’s a dog’s life” that really is a good thing.
Sometimes people say that “His bark is worse than his bite.” What is that supposed to mean anyway? I like to bark. I’m not supposed to bite. Those seem like simple rules to follow.
How many idioms about animals do you know? What’s the matter? Does the cat have your tongue? Am I barking up the wrong tree? Or is it really true that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?
Writing my blog has really worn me out. I’m dog tired, so I think I’ll go take a little cat nap.
Until Next time,
Naughty or Nice?
Did you hear the news? Santa Claus is coming to town! We’re getting ready for Christmas at my house. Mom and Dad got 50 boxes out of the attic and now there are decorations all over the place. But it’s all so confusing to me.
For instance, take the pretty velvet blanket under the Christmas tree. It’s a really soft place to sleep. But Mom says it’s not really a blanket, it’s a “tree skirt” and she says I’m naughty if I rest there. She’s not buying my argument that trees don’t wear clothes. I have a rule in my house. If it’s on the floor, it’s mine. Here’s something else to ponder. If it looks like a blanket and it’s soft like a blanket, it’s a blanket.
Also, if it’s near the floor and I can reach it, it’s mine. So don’t hang pretty ornaments near the bottom of the tree. Don’t leave delicate stuff on the coffee table. And last, but not least, forget about all those stupid bells and angels you hang on door knobs. How am I supposed to know they aren’t my chewy toys? I certainly will not land on Santa’s naughty list if something accidently breaks when I’m in the near vicinity. And teeth marks don’t necessarily mean I was responsible. This isn’t CSI, you know! I swear the squirrels tried breaking and entering the other day.
To all the kitty cats out there: Go ahead and climb any tree that your humans bring into your house. Since they won’t let you outside (for your own good, I might add!) all cats should climb the Christmas tree, perch on its branches and play “bat the ball” with any ornaments they find there. Santa will not accuse a feline of “naughtiness” for following basic instincts. In fact, scolding a kitty for doing any of the above will actually land the human on the naughty list.
Humans will be accused of naughtiness for spending too much time baking, shopping and wrapping and therefore ignoring the needs of their pets. Remember: we don’t really care that it’s Christmas. We just want to spend time with you…and eat, sleep, walk and play. If you ignore us, we might just eat all the Christmas cookies! Or unwrap all the packages. As you will recall, if it’s on the floor, it’s mine.
So of all the things I’ve been blamed for, now you know I do not belong on the naughty list! Actually I’ve been a very good girl, as long as you forget that lack of sharing business. I’m great at the “unconditional love” thing. I give excellent kisses. I’m always happy to see my family and I haven’t bitten anyone (lately!) I asked for forgiveness when my teeth accidently connected with Dad’s toes. That’s all in the past and forgotten, right?
I think all dogs and cats belong on the nice list. Where would you be without us? Lonely, that’s where! Just think of how our wags and purrs make you smile. We get you off the couch. We alert you to the phone or the door bell. We remind you when it’s time to eat or when to go to bed. Your wallet might be heavier without us, but your spirits would sag, too.
So from all the pets who have homes and all the homeless pets waiting in shelters, here’s a message to the humans: Stay on Santa’s nice list by taking good care of your pets. And we’ll return the favor and take good care of you, too! Isn’t that nice?
Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Whatever your faith or tradition, I send my love!